46 replies to this topic

[Steve Netwriter]

LEHMAN EXECS TO LEAD SLIGHTLY LESS OPULENT LIFESTYLES

EXECUTIVES at Lehman Brothers could be forced to manually adjust the seating temperature in their Mercedes, it was claimed last night.
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Lehman chief executive Dick Fuld said: "Be in no doubt, the long term effects of this collapse are going to be awful. For you.

"You're going to lose your job, your dignity and possibly your home. I don't need a job - per se - but I will miss accumulating more money than I and all my descendants could ever reasonably spend.

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/busines...s-200809161257/

[Steve Netwriter]

NOTHING CAN POSSIBLY GO WRONG WITH GIGANTIC NEW BANK
HBOS and Lloyds TSB last night created a monstrous new banking entity safe in the knowledge that nothing can possibly go wrong.
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Meanwhile Downing Street sources let it be known the prime minister played a key part in securing the deal which will put 40,000 people out of work.

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/busines...k-200809181264/

[Steve Netwriter]

OBAMA DEFENDS 'CREATIONIST PSYCHO BITCH' REMARK
DEMOCRATIC candidate Barak Obama last night claimed he was quoted out of context after describing Governor Sarah Palin as a 'creationist psycho bitch'.
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He added: "I did then go on to say that if Jesus came down from heaven and told me I would have to fuck either Sarah Palin or a pig, you'd have to drag me off the pig.

"Now that doesn't mean I'm comparing Governor Palin to a pig. What I am saying is that if it's a straight choice between Governor Palin and a pig, I'm fucking the pig.

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/interna...k-200809111247/

[Steve Netwriter]

STOCKMARKETS RUNNING OUT OF UNDERPANTS

FINANCIAL institutions across the globe last night urged the US to agree a bail-out package, warning they are down to their last four pairs of useable underpants.

With traders soiling themselves every time the headlines change on the BBC website, offices in New York and London are now dangerously awash with urine.

Bill McKay, facilities manager at City brokerage Madeley-Finnegan, said: "It's soaked right through the carpet."

He warned the entire financial system was on the brink of collapse, not because of liquidity problems, but because the wiring is 'absolutely drenched'.
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http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/busines...s-200809261285/

[Steve Netwriter]

KAPLINSKY RUBS IT IN

MILLIONAIRE TV presenter Natasha Kaplinsky last night released photos of the perfect baby boy she has had with her millionaire husband.

Kaplinsky and her tall, handsome spouse were the picture of blissful parenthood in the incredibly tasteful black and white images.

The baby boy has not yet been named, though friends say the couple have narrowed it down to 'Perfect' and 'Amazing'

Kaplinsky, who gets paid to read the news because she is so very pretty, said: "I'm going to take six months off and then it's back to being thin and pretty for a living.

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/celebri...n-200810011293/

[Steve Netwriter]

ALL your hopes and dreams were shattered by bastard Americans last night, just as you suspected they always would be.

Along with six billion other humans you were forced to rethink your life plan as one set of bastards rejected a bail-out for another set of bastards because they were worried about losing their seats when a third set of bastards goes to the polls in November.

Emma Bradford, an office manager from Luton said: "Whenever things were going well there was always this voice in the back of my mind saying, 'make the most of it because sooner or later it's all going to be completely fucked by some bastard Americans'.

"I just assumed I'd be horribly maimed as a knock-on from one of their insane, catastrophic wars, but instead they have, in the most beautifully co-ordinated fashion, demolished the system that provides me with a job, a home and the vague hope that life may not an elaborate waste of time.

"I'd applaud them, if only I wasn't so weak from all the nauseating terror."

Tom Logan, an engineer from Leeds, said: "I suppose I always knew America would eventually break the planet, like some ghastly, hyperactive toddler that gets hold of a mobile phone and then smashes it repeatedly against the edge of a table, but I never really thought it would affect me.

"But now, thanks to a combination of psychotic greed, political expediency and the sort of jaw dropping stupidity that makes you wonder if they actually know how to breathe in and out, I can look forward to a future of dysentry, burnt-out vans and an exciting range of low-fat meals, all of which - in some way or another - involve rodents."


http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/busines...e-200809301290/

[Steve Netwriter]

DARLING TO KICKSTART ECONOMY WITH 30 MILLION ONE POUND COINS

ALISTAIR Darling is to boost Britain's faltering economy by giving 30 million one pound coins to poor people.

Mr Darling assured the Labour conference in Manchester that these coins are top quality but should not be used in fruit machines, adding: "They won't work. I've checked.
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The chancellor said the economy had been damaged by reckless lending and excessive debt, but stressed everything was going to be fine because he had just applied for a £90bn overdraft.


http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/politics/pol...s-200809231274/

[wren]

Traumatized traders attempting to deal in railway timetables

There were growing signs that traders had begun to lose their minds this morning, as stock-brokers spontaneously began trading the departure times at Waterloo Station.

Confusion was swiftly accompanied by panic, when other city workers declined simply to pass through the station concourse as normal, and decided instead to huddle around the display boards and barter the departure times of regional train services. Within minutes hundreds of traders had gathered, quickly devising their own ground-rules to suit the new trading environment, whereby the scheduled departure time was traded against the actual time at which the train left the station. Before long, the concourse was filled with deafening calls of ‘Sell, sell, sell – rail replacement bus service in operation’, and ‘Platform alteration – all deals off’.

With the trading floor at the London Stock Exchange now deserted, many brokers claimed they found market conditions at Waterloo far more favourable than those on the FTSE 100, with one young banker commenting: ‘This is brilliant – I just made a killing when the 07.26 to Basingstoke was hit by signal problems and delayed by 45 minutes’. Others however said they had been less lucky – those who had bought shares in the 08.00 to Southampton saw their investments wiped out by a defective train in the Reading area. Meanwhile, there was early evidence of short-selling, as one group of traders were blamed for spreading false rumours that the 08.13 to Southend had been cancelled altogether, despite clear evidence to the contrary on the departure boards.

Traders were undecided as to whether the so called ‘Rolling-Stock Market’ would become a permanent fixture. One claimed that the prevalence of weekend engineering works made market conditions difficult, while another was eager to make the most of the new system, saying: ‘not only is this a far more stable trading infrastructure than we’re used to, but it also makes for a much easier commute’.

Police have advised members of the public not to approach any delusional stock-brokers. ‘We’re just hoping that they’ll somehow just recover, regaining the sanity that gave us all the lending and investment policies of the past few years.’

http://newsbiscuit.com/article/traumatized...-timetables-377

[Steve Netwriter]

Brilliant       

[Steve Netwriter]

Bush new rescue plan ‘is to collect up all the 5 cent water bottles’



George Bush today revealed the detail on a new economic rescue package which it was hoped would pull America back from the brink of financial ruin. Less complex than the previous plan rejected by Washington, the President is proposing simply to collect up the empty mineral water bottles that can be exchanged for 5 cents at the recycling centre, and pay off America’s $700 billion debt that way.
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Meanwhile other money making initiatives have been gaining popularity on Wall Street, following the failure of the White House rescue package. Some bank executives are now cleaning car windscreens at busy traffic junctions while others are getting jobs holding signs advertising cheap pizza restaurants. ‘Plus some of the guys in Wall Street found they could raise a few extra bucks selling their blood’ said one stock-broker. ‘The idea seemed to work for a while, but then a Wall Street Blood Bank bought out a Philadelphia Blood Bank, lending blood it didn’t have to European and Far Eastern Blood Banks, and the whole world blood banking system has just come crashing down.’

http://newsbiscuit.com/article/bush-rescue...ter-bottles-377

[Steve Netwriter]

Geldof launches 'Bank Aid' as markets plummet

Sir Bob Geldof today launched a moving appeal to third world nations to ‘give whatever you can’ in the face of the ever worsening crisis in the western financial markets. The credit crunch, which has now come to dwarf the AIDS pandemic sweeping Africa, has, said Sir Bob, seen ‘suffering on an unprecedented scale’.

http://newsbiscuit.com/article/geldof-laun...ets-plummet-370

[Steve Netwriter]

RBS charges itself £38 million for going over its limit

In line with company policy the Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS) has sent itself a stern letter warning that as it had suddenly found itself £692 million in the red without clearing it with itself first, it would have to pay itself charges of £38 million for unauthorised borrowing.

‘You know how it is,’ said chairman Sir Tom McKillop, ‘we knew we were going to go ‘a bit over’ this year but completely forgot to phone ourselves and agree some new terms, although actually there probably wouldn’t have been much point in that really as we would have had to refuse to give ourselves any extension of facilities, given the current climate.’

http://newsbiscuit.com/article/rbs-charges...r-its-limit-342

[Steve Netwriter]

Web forum closed after sensible discussion takes place

An internet chat room was shut down earlier today after a number of users started what the organizers are calling a ‘reasonable and intelligent debate’ in one of the forums. Although details are sketchy, the outbreak of the sensible discussion was apparently characterized by polite disagreement, constructive criticism, and mild language.

http://newsbiscuit.com/article/web-forum-c...takes-place-361

[DrBubb]

Lehman chief executive Dick Fuld said: "Be in no doubt, the long term effects of this collapse are going to be awful.

This is the face of a Roman Senator,
who hjas just decided that Julius Caesar was not so bad... after it was too late

[THEBIGMAN]

Blinding! Genius!

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society...e-200809171261/

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/busines...g-200810021296/

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society...s-200809021221/

[riggerbeautz]

Few quick comedy sketches and you just wonder on that George Bush sketch  

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/09/20/l...w_n_127857.html

[Steve Netwriter]

ARTIST UNVEILS KATE MOSS CANDLE HOLDER  

ARTIST Marc Quinn last night unveiled his latest work – a life-size Kate Moss candle holder made of solid gold.

The £1.5 million sculpture depicts the supermodel balancing on her buttocks with both feet wrapped behind her ears and is designed to be the perfect centrepiece for any dinner party.

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/arts-%2...r-200810021298/


Warning: Do not eat/drink while clicking on this link. You may end up with food/drink all over the screen !!!!

  

[Steve Netwriter]

Global financial meltdown averted as drunk points out ‘It's all just made up numbers innit?’
http://newsbiscuit.com/article/global-fina...p-numbers-innit

The World’s Financial Crisis was dramatically halted yesterday thanks to the intervention of a drunken man in a pub with an analysis of simplistic logical brilliance that put the markets right back on track. Terence Bould, 43, also known as ‘Tel the Smell’ due to his occupation as a sewage engineer, was returning from the toilets at shortly after 10pm in his local pub in East London when he proclaimed that the current financial meltdown ‘was all a load of bollocks anyway – as it’s just made up numbers and shit’.

[Silent reader]

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/arts-%2...r-200810021298/

[Steve Netwriter]

The Onion: Cindy McCain Just Like Any Other Female Human'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W15ucMZ8V-c&feature=dir

Despite the media's portrayal of her, Cindy McCain says she is a down-to-earth person who enjoys breathing oxygen and consuming earth food for energy.